I want to share what God has been doing in my life recently. He has really been working on my heart in visible and much needed ways this summer. Anyways, I was going to write a Facebook status to do this but I found I cannot be that concise. (actually, this isn’t new information) I am a very detailed person who loves to elaborate rather carelessly. Plus, I could honestly talk endlessly about Jesus and the ways in which I have seen Himself manifest in the most ordinary of things even people like me. So if you are at all interested about what God has been revealing to me so far this year through the roller coaster of events and emotions I’ve experienced recently, all of that will be disclosed in this blog post. Warning it’s real lengthy and I’m not exaggerating. Maybe next time I’ll just write a book or something haha. Enjoy!
*Before I get anywhere remotely close to sharing with you some God given truths that I rediscovered this summer (that had been too long overlooked), I will have to tell a story. This narrative will illustrate perfectly how I discovered God’s purpose for the Summer of 2015 for me. The few months before summer break was a time period for me in which I really struggled. I was searching for fulfillment and identity in the wrong places and thus the feeling of being lost got the best of me. During that time, I wasn’t quite able to see a purpose to my pain because I was so close that I wasn’t able to get the right perspective. I wasn’t able to see myself and my situation through’s God’s lens. So what I’m about to share, is something that I’ve only been able to understand while looking back. They say hindsight is 20/20, right? As I will come to find out, God gives us the option to always see ourselves through His eyes if we will only choose to.*
Here’s the introductory story:
It was my freshman year of high school. I had worked hard all summer long, tried out and made the high school’s varsity soccer team. What I did not know was that I would seldom get to play that season due to a mysterious emergence of an encumbering health issue. I began to have excruciating pains in my ribs that would not go away when I did any sort of exercise. Still to this day, I cannot put into words what the pain felt like. I’ve had side cramps before but this, this was different. These pains were jarring and relentless. I spent the majority of that soccer season visiting doctors of all kinds and sport medicine specialists. I had all sorts of scans and tests run on me. One physical therapist thought it would be wise to scrape the area that was causing me pain, maybe loosening some tissue or irritated spots. So a few times, I laid on my back and held on to a the examine table for dear life as a sharp plastic tool grated against my ribs. Needless to say, that did not prove to be successful in diminishing my pain. And I have to say I was a little glad about that. My parents and I prayed fervently for God to heal me. We were depending on human hands and it seemed hopeless. My parents and I thought we had run out of ideas and exhausted all options when a family friend suggested that I try cortizone. Willingly I agreed to give it a shot. (No pun intended) So I went in not knowing what to expect. The anesthesiologist injected the cortisol shot into different spots in my abdomen and ribs at different angles. It was a bit uncomfortable. But let me tell you what happened a few hours later that day…..Just a few hours later, I returned to school and then I played in a game for the first time in a long time having no pain whatsoever. After that game, I continued to play pain free. I didn’t even have to get anymore cortisol injections, I felt healthy. Boy was I thankful. The school year went by quickly and before I knew it, sophomore year was right around the corner. I played sophomore year with nothing to hold me back. Then the summer before my junior year of high-school, the rib pains came back. This time they were way worse. I did not have to be exercising to get them. I could get them sitting down while watching a movie or I could get them walking around the mall with friends. I tried so hard to work through them. Each day I would go outside and try to run a little or do some soccer drills but my body was in agony. The days drew closer to tryouts and I had not worked out at all during the summer. I did not attend the open gyms or summer training sessions. Things weren’t looking good. I had my whole family and my boyfriend at the time all praying for me without ceasing. They prayed for healing but they also prayed for me to be able to make a decision and to be okay with that decision as tryouts were in a few days. I prayed wholeheartedly to be healed. I’ve only prayed that hard a few other times in my life. However after I prayed, I did not have peace either way. I called my coach and let him know the predicament I was in and that I would not be able to play that coming season. He respected my decision but was adamant in telling me that he still wanted me to be apart of the team in any way I could. He let me know that he wanted me out at the fields if for nothing else, to hang out with my team. Shoot I was even prepared to train myself to try and play goalie if need be. (It should be pretty evident by now how much I love soccer) Then a miracle happened. The day of tryouts I went out to the fields to support the team. Of course, the optimist in me brought my soccer cleats and shin guards along. I started passing with a few teammates as people arrived. No pain. Before anyone knew it, I weaseled my way into everything. I was out and about, moving around. I was warming up with the team; I was running and I didn’t stop. I gradually made my way into trying out for the team that day and then the following two days. It was like I was good as new and never had that menacing health issue. I’ve never had issues like that since. Hooray :)
All of that to say, I still don’t know what was going on with my body back then. The condition wasn’t ever given a name. My theory is that I was experiencing growing pains, well an extreme case of growing pains. No person or medication was able to take away my pain. All anyone could do was alleviate it for a bit. God was responsible for sustaining me. I had turned to others for help all the while using God as a last resort. Man that pains me to write that. But if I’m being honest, I do that all the time and I did that not too long ago. ( A few months ago to be exact) I rejected God and burdened the people in my life instead. I had high expectations for them to help solve or diminish the void I was suppressing. So then naturally, I was beyond devastated when they fell short or disappointed me. It was not in any way their fault or responsibility. More and more I came to find that I wasn’t any happier or more confident in my identity. Just like I experienced those growing pains the first time, I was experiencing growing pains once again. This time they weren’t physical as so much spiritual and emotional. Just like a person who is experiencing growing pains in a physical sense, I too was aching or yearning for relief. I wanted to be healed but I was too proud to go to the only one who could heal me and speak life into the lies that I had begun to believe. These growing pains started towards the beginning of this year and lasted a solid few months leading up to this summer.
Summer 2015. It's what I've been calling my "stretch summer". It's been a period of growth which God has used to reteach me lessons in a new and uncomfortable way. It has been a lot different kind of living. But don’t get me wrong, it has been a good different. I am so full.
And that right there is what my Summer 2015 has been about, it has been about growing. While the growth has elicited pain that seemed unbearable at the time, it was necessary to show God’s power to redeem and to strengthen my wavering faith in God. Those growing pains though, were to get my attention for me to see that God wanted to rebuild me into a better version of myself, one that hopefully resembles Christ better than I was. One of the lessons I have been constantly reminded of is that
- While I make mistakes, I am not my mistakes. The guilt that I have felt over these past few months due to how I have treated the people who mean so much to me and how some people have treated me in the aftermath of poor decisions, coupled with how hard I am on myself, has been crippling. Yet God has shown me what others see as defining me, Christ takes and uses to refine me. I am not my mistakes. I am always desirable to God, weaknesses and all because I am fearfully and wonderfully made to be like Him. (Psalm 139:14) What we see about ourselves is most times contrary to what God sees of us. I have a tendency to dwell on what isn’t right. Focusing on the negatives about myself this past semester, made it so I couldn’t see the good attributes and gifts that I have that resemble the Most High. “God knows what He has placed in all of us and He gets glory and honor when we see and acknowledge ourselves as He sees us.” Don’t believes the world’s lies, your worth and identity are unique and God designed. Only you can mirror and offer the world the glimpses of God’s characteristics the way you do. 2 Corinthians 10:5-6 “The world is unprincipled. It’s dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn’t fight fair. But we don’t live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren’t for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.” Don’t fall into the trap of compromising who you were created to be for who the world wants you to be because then that’s when you lose yourself. He is faithful to my unfaithful and fleeing heart. It is my call as a Christian to be faithful to Him. Yes, I'm not perfect (not even close) but thankfully when I make mistakes, this is the time when I am most consumed with the truth that I am loved perfectly. This is something I long for and so to have it when I am literally at my worst, the lowest of lows just blows my mind. I am so undeserving of perfect love but that’s what I’m given. My brokenness allows me to be filled again and reminded that God is the only one that makes me whole. I'm not who I was. I’m not what I did. I am made new each and every day because of Christ's sacrifice. This being said, I should not hold on to shame but embrace the gift to start anew. I should also strive to look at everyone else that way which still seems like the hardest thing. It is my call as a follower of Christ to recognize what is wrong inside of me and to work to improve myself everyday in hopes to become a closer imitation of my Lord. This summer I’ve come to terms with my past wrongdoings. It was so difficult for me to let go of the shame but I know that feeling of guilt was not where I was meant to stay. That guilt is a tool to power me to action. So this summer has been about letting God take what He wants to tweak in me and allowing Him to transform those areas. Because if I am not constantly trying to better myself, then I am not living for God. Colossians 1:10 says, “Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.” He doesn't expect us to attain perfection but to aim for it in order to reflect Him as best as possible. So, I should constantly be changing for the good. Am I improving? Treating others better? That’s the mark of a true follower, spiritual maturity. Ephesians 4:12-16 says, “Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ.This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ. Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.” I have a lot that needs fixing. I must recognize the areas within myself that are dishonoring to Him and be faithful in working to alter those. What has stopped me from doing that in the past is fear.
- Fear is controlling, it beckons us to stay put and to not explore all God has in store for us. Fear wants us to remain comfortable. In essence, fear puts all focus on us and less on what God can do. Fear centralizes on having us think we must do whatever is necessary for us to stay inside our comfort zone and feel secure. But this world is not for one second about our comfort. God does the impossible everyday and wants to do the same through us. Sadly, we settle to be comfortable and when we are comfortable there is no growth. The truth is, we are destined to overcome fear, God's all consuming love for us casts it out. 1 John 4:18, “ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” His love fuels faith and when our faith has been fueled, fear is eradicated; it has no place. When fear reigns in our lives, it holds us back from experiencing the power of God in our lives. If at any time I find myself comfortable with who I am, I'm not living within the will of God because comfort is a product of fear and fear does not allow for full faith and dependence on Him. I have lived my life in such fear recently. My fear ever so abruptly took my eyes of God during last semester. Because I was not going to God with my insecurities and fears, my fears just grew bigger and blinded me from seeing the truth about my identity. Not knowing who I was in Christ, made me feel lost. I didn’t have the right perspective to see myself or others through God’s eyes and that made me a very worried individual. I slowly began to lose sight of myself. Now I look back during that spring semester and question myself. I was the worst possible version of myself that I could’ve been. I don’t even know that person. All because I was consumed with fear and I was not feeding my faith so I could not counter it alone. Since that dark period, a lot has changed. This summer I have looked to God to push me outside my comfort zone and I’ve depended on Him to carry me through the fear that once had a grip on my life. The thing is, I am adventurous about a lot of things, but there are a few areas of my life that I like to stay in my comfort zone about. It has taken a lot out of me to venture out of those areas but this summer God has showed me the power that trust has over fear. And His power will exceed your expectations.When you give Him your fears, He will take them and turn them into adventures of fulfillment.
- A life succumbed to fear is not living at all. Fear and faith cannot coexist. I've learned that although change is hard, God uses it and shines through it. So this summer, I've gotten to do just that, I've let go of the reins. I let Him change me and restore me in order that He may be glorified in some way through me. I've gotten to rediscover my identity in Christ and to live in the confidence of how I've been created and with the purpose I've been created. I've also had the chance to look back and see how far I've come because of God's saving work in my life. There's been HUGE growth in the last several months and I'm not done yet. Not even close. Growing may be gradual at the time and hard to see but change is will always become evident and useful. Looking back on where I was at the start of this year, has made me beyond appreciative for how far God has sustained and transformed me. “Sometimes it takes looking back on the situation before we see how our faith has grown during trials and doubts. Knowing that God wants to use our difficulties to strengthen our faith can help us to trust His good heart for us.” Godly growth is the best!
If you stuck with it and made it through this one, I hope that it was able to bless you or help you in some way. I am sure there will be more posts to come from me. Thanks for reading :)
Dani